Metroid Parody Fusion
by Negetive2digit
Summary: Meet Samus Aran, a dork who is underpaid and hates her job as a bounty hunter, but is still one for some reason. Her adventures aboard the BSL station will be legendary if only because of her complaining . Mild cursing involved, AW series bashing some.
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own Metroid or any games in the series.**

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**Prologue: Dear Diary**

_Dear Diary,_

_It's Samus again. So the federation came over to my apartment the other day and offered me some money ($55, the cheapskates, would it kill them to pay me a descent salary once in a while?!) to escort some stupid scientists to SR388 (a planet I never wanted to go back to). So we were walking into this cave when some toad or something barked at us. I thought it'd be fun, so I blasted it with a super missile. Unfortunately, it turned into a floating, yellow blob and jumped onto me and soaked into my armor._

_I didn't think much of some odd thingy soaking into my suit, so I got in my ship and started going back to B.S.L. alongside the ship with the specimens. I fainted (later they told me it was some stupid parasite called 'X'. I mean, really, what self-respecting thing is called something like 'X'?) because of some stupid infection and my ship was idiotic enough to go into an asteroid field. Thank whatever space-deity-we-have that I had an escape pod that shot me out at the last minute. I ended up getting rescued by the guys that I was supposed to be guarding (it really ticked me off that I didn't get any overtime for it) and they took me to a lab and hacked off pieces of my suit, 'cause it was 'infected' and whatnot. Then somebody came up with some vaccine that killed the 'X' instantly!_

_Really, reduce me to a goofy-looking yellow person with a red helmet and a gun-arm and then find a friggin' antidote! Does anybody actually care about my rep as a scary person in scary armor anymore?! Well…they do pay me very poorly and…Grr! I'm a yellow and blue freak in a red helmet with a stupid-looking gun-arm now! Part metoid, human, and Chozo. If I ever have any kids, they're gonna be so deformed and screwed up…but, anyway..._

_The Federation had the nerve to send me to B.S.L. now. Something about an explosion in the Quarantine Bay…The specimens from SR388 and the parts of my suit that they hacked off (Grr!) were there. I have a bad feeling about this mission, even more so, the computerized CO on my new ship is blunt and annoying and condescending. He's in charge on this mission, though, so I guess I'll have to try not to blast my ship to pieces. This is the second time I've had someone telling me how to run the show. I'm an independent woman when I'm working, dang it! This guy reminds me of some other CO that was condescending and annoying, but I'm sure it's a coincidence…_

**Chapter 1: X…The Worst Letter in the Alphabet**

The ship landed in the docking bay, which was as deserted as that concert had been after Samus had had an arm-cannon malfunction and destroyed most of the area. She was still paying off the damages for that on her almost non-existent salary.

"There's been an explosion in the Quarantine Bay," the computer said, bored.

"I already knew that," Samus replied.

"Oh, really?" he sounded mildly surprised. "Good. Go check on it. The capsules with the specimens and your suit parts are there too,"

"I also knew that," Samus muttered, beaming dramatically out of her ship in an attempt to look cool instead of just jumping through the hatch like a sane person. She ran out of the bay and down the deserted halls. "This is kind of creepy…" she finally walked through a room that had a computer.

"Yo, Samus," the CO guy was in the computer.

"Hey, what's up?" she asked unhappily.

"I was just going to warn you to be careful and quiet, despite the fact that you're a veteran at this kind of stuff, and that most of your abilities are gone like in about every mission you've been on," he replied with a yawn. "Oh, and the Quarantine Bay is ahead, in case that wasn't obvious enough," So Samus left the room and went into the Quarantine Bay, finding it easily on the map on her visor. A toad thing was inside. "Oh, a toad!" she blasted it, relishing its dying cry. "Oh, yeah! Samus still kicks butt!" A yellow gob of goo formed from the corpse and came at her. "Oh, crap!" she fell backwards as it jumped on her and soaked in. "Oh, man! Oh, man! Oh, man!" she went running back to the Navigation Room. "An 'X' soaked into me again! Oh, man! Oh, man!" she kept dancing on the spot in a freaked-out way.

"This is unfortunate news," the computer didn't sound the least bit bothered. "The specimens must have been infected before they were captured…The X can mimic their prey so anything could have hosted it…oh, look, I found a file that some camera got from scanning one," a diagram of a floating blob of yellow goo appeared on the screen.

"Oh, man! Oh, man! I don't wanna die yet! Get a doctor!" Samus was still too busy freaking out to take much of this in.

"The gelatinous 'X' invade and rapidly reproduce, killing the host creature," he continued as Samus only started freaking out more.

"Nooooooo!" she started running up the walls and jumping off of them while hyperventilating.

"They also absorb DNA and use it to mimic the host," the computer could care less and was, maybe, amused. "You were almost killed by an 'X' infection but the Metoid vaccine saved your life," Samus stopped and quickly got embarrassed as she remembered this. "I guess Metroids killed 'X' or ate them or something so the vaccine worked…but you're like part Metoid now so you can eat 'X' by letting them get absorbed. For some odd reason, this will refill your suit's energy and weapons instead of affecting you,"

"Um…that sounds just gross!" Samus objected. "Besides, I don't really like jello and refuse to live off of it for the duration of the mission,"

"Well, you have no rations on the ship because the Federation are jerks and didn't think ahead to pack any, so there," the computer said in a torrent of unpleasant knowledge. Samus cursed quietly. "Anyway, you might get back some of those abilities you always seem to lose so easily and, sometimes, for no apparent or good reason, by absorbing a giant 'X' after a boss fight or something like that…"

"Yay?" Samus wasn't pleased.

"This place has a lot of stuff living on it, and some of the stuff isn't all cuddly like your teddy bear,"

"How do you know about Edward?!" Samus exclaimed.

"I spy on you at night," the computer replied. Samus had to try very hard not to blast the computer into scrap metal. "Anyway, we need to keep them out of the breeding areas…oh, look, here's some now. I'll mark the map for you. By the way, I'm releasing the level 0 hatches and I also must point out that you suck at the moment, being at 10% battle capacity,"

"Well, if some certain stupid doctors had just administered an antidote _before_ they went and hacked off most of my suit, I wouldn't be so sucky at the moment!" she snapped, storming out of the room and taking out her anger on a nearby hand rail. She remained in a bad mood as she walked and jumped into further areas. "How do normal people get around this place?" she grumbled as she tripped and fell on her face yet again from landing badly on a platform. She opened a hatch and walked into…another Navigation Room. She hoped the computer CO would be on a break or something but, of course, that wasn't about to happen in her lifetime.

"Hey, HQ just e-mailed me to tell you that they can send you downloads for your suit," he said, bored. "Is it some sort of computer or something?"

"To a point," Samus replied, putting a hand on her hip. "But they're making it sound like my suit's a computer game or something,"

"Oh, you play that too?" the computer asked.

"Huh?"

"Never mind," he replied. "Anyway, go up to the Data Room on the observation deck and get the data for Missiles. It'll give you a 20% chance of survival, although that's still just 1/5 and I really don't see how that's much…" she was already gone. "Hey, Samus! How can data suddenly make you able to fire missiles, anyway?"

She proceeded into the next room, where she encountered a purple blob in a lab coat.

"Ew!" she shot wildly at it, reducing it to a blob of purple goo, out of which a blob of yellow goo flew and soaked into her. "Ugh…that feels weird and I can taste jello for some reason and feel like I ate some too!" She quickly ascended to the top of the room and went through the hatch to the elevator and boarded. While she was riding the ludicrously slow elevator, she decided to get out her diary and write in it real quick.

_Dear Diary,_

_This stupid elevator is sooo slow! I mean, really, this is the space age and this is a Federation ship. Would it kill them to have better equipment? And what's with that stupid computer? It reminds me of some jerk called Adam Malkovich. He was my CO on some mission that I got underpaid for. He was condescending, annoying, and was always hitting on me and calling me 'Lady'. From anyone else, it would've sounded sarcastic, but, from him, it sounded extra sarcastic with a side of 'I'm a friggin' jerk'. Out of 'respect' (and, by respect, I mean lingering anger) I named the stupid computer after him (although I haven't actually used it to address him yet. I suppose I should but I don't want to talk to him or dignify him with a name, even one of a jerk.)._

The really slow elevator finally arrived at the operations deck and Samus put away her diary in wherever the heck she was keeping it out of harms way. Moving on, she jumped up to the upper area and went through the hatch.

"The data room is just ahead, in case you didn't know," came Adam's bored voice as she hurried through the navigation room. She headed in and some thing clamped around her lightly as she stood in front of it. Some weird waves flew around her for a second and she suddenly could shoot missiles when the thing unclamped and turned off.

She went back through the Navigation Room, noticing the lights go out. "Electrical interference has knocked out the elevators on the Main Deck," he informed her as she stopped. "Conveniently, this happens immediately after you get the missiles…odd…This may be related to the 'X'. I'll work on it, as in 'I'll just sit here in the ship'. As for you…try to find another way to the target. It's located here. I'll mark it on the map with a flashing dot that you can't miss," He did so. "By the way, I'm reading huge bio-signs, so there's probably a boss there and you'll probably be getting another ability…" he yawned. "Good luck with that," Samus grumbled and left the room, thinking nasty things about her aptly-named computer CO.

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And...uh...if you have the time. Review with some constructive criticism (if any)? You see how Samus is... Just feedback on how much you like the story is fine.


	2. Chapter 2

**Need I repeat that I don't own this? Good. Adam wouldn't bother repeating anything anyway (at least not in this story).**

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**Chapter 2: "Did I Mention that I Really Hate Adam?"**

Upon returning to the previous room, Samus jumped across the two platforms that, for some reason, were high in the room and led to a ventilation shaft.

"How do people get around here?" she wondered for what had to be the tenth time, blasting the covering off of the shaft and jumping in. It was really dark inside and there were more weird blobs in lab coats, which she promptly blasted. "Pweh!" she spat each time the horrible taste of jello came to her mouth from the resulting 'X' escaping and being absorbed by her. To further annoy her, some disgusting things were blocking the way in some spots. They looked like weird spheres with green growths protruding from them or something. "What's with these things?" she muttered, her face screwed up in disgust, as she blasted it out of the way.

With perseverance, she made it over to another area that was lit. Blasting blob scientists ("Ew! How many of them are there?!"), she ascended to the top of the room and went through a hatch, only to have it lock behind her. "That can't be good…" she commented, a sense of foreboding on her that could only precede a boss fight. She jumped up and grabbed a ledge, flipped off of the wall and grabbed another, and then flipped onto a higher platform, falling flat on her face next to a large tank with a big E on it. "An energy tank…that's a good sign…" she picked it up and it magically disappeared, but her visor now added a little square next to her energy number. She continued forward and jumped down onto some blocks, which promptly gave away and let her fall.

"Ahhhh!" she fell for a short while and hit the floor below with a jolt. "Ow…" She got slowly up, only to see a giant 'X' in a thorny bubble float down and turn into Arachnus from SR388. "Damn it! Would it be too much to ask to stop having to put up with that stupid planet!?" she yelled to no one in particular. Arachnus X didn't seem to care about her sentiments on the matter and shot a wall of fire at her, which she jumped over, shooting missiles into his face. He screamed and turned into a ball, rolling at her. "Holy crud!" she jumped up and grabbed a conveniently placed ledge, jumping off as the thing hit the wall. She landed and started firing more missiles, but they just crumpled against its tough shell on its back and fell uselessly to the floor. "Shouldn't they blow up anyway? They're _missiles_!" it turned and she caught it in the face with more shots of ballistics explosives that only obeyed physics when it was inconvenient for her. It screamed and melted, quickly turning back into the big 'X' in the big, thorny bubble.

Samus tried to fire more missiles but her cannon clicked. "Oh, crap…" The thing charged at her. Panicking, she started shooting her beam wildly at it. For some odd reason, this caused blobs of green goo to fly out of it. She jumped over the thing's charge and, by accident, absorbed them. "EW! Mint jello!" she retched, but managed to hold back her gag reflex as she noticed that her missiles were back. She landed and unleashed a flurry of pointy explosive fury in the direction of the big 'X', blowing up its membrane and causing it to think that a good strategy would be to float to the middle of the room and hover there pointlessly. "What's it doing now?" she wondered, looking around for a way out. "Don't tell me…" she looked at it and remembered what Adam had said. "Ugh…did I mention I hate Adam?" she jumped up and let it slowly soak into her. She gagged and removed her helmet briefly to be violently ill, but, after putting it back on, she could feel the power! Well…not really. "What the hell good did that do!?" she screamed.

"Morph Ball functionality recovered," her visor informed her.

"Oh…yay! Morph Ball!" she promptly turned into a small, blue and yellow ball by some means that best not be examined too closely (for the sake of one's sanity) and she rolled through a small tunnel nearby, coming out next to some rubble. She quickly scaled it and headed through some more random tunnels filled with the same crap from earlier. She noticed that these tunnels required use of the Morph Ball, as though someone had set it up this way on purpose. In fact, many of her missions seemed oddly planned out to make her have to use stuff as she got it…Shrugging this off, she headed back to the nearest Navigation Room to report her victory. "I kicked butt!" she shouted as she approached the screen.

"That's nice…" Adam replied, still bored. "But I have much more sensational news," he yawned, missing Samus's glare from behind her visor. "It looks like the breeding environments have been invaded by the 'X'. Sector 1, the SR388 one, is already showing abnormalities…go take the Main Elevator to the access shaft and use Elevator 1,"

"UGGGH!" she raged, stomping for the exit. "Why do the space fates hate me so?!"

"Use the Navigation Room just inside for further briefing," Adam commented, unaffected. "I think whatever blew up the Quarantine Bay probably has something to do with this…" he yawned. So Samus headed back for the Quarantine bay. This time, though, she used the Morph Ball to go through a small tunnel above its entrance and then headed through some other doors and hallways.

"Oh, look…SR388..." she looked out the windows in a hallway that had them for some odd reason. She flipped the planet off and continued on until she reached the Main Elevator. She stomped the platform and it went down.

_Dear Dairy,_

_Why does stomping the elevator make it go down? I mean, if you think about it, that's a major safety hazard and inconvenience. Especially because you can't make it stop en route. And why do they have to move so friggin' slow, anyway? This shaft is too long. The least they could've done is make it a little faster…whoa! What the hell was that?!_

She stopped writing as an explosion from above shook the area.

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Not long after the platform went down, the wall exploded outward and Samus, or what she looked like before the surgeons got a hold of her, walked out. She looked around.

"Huh?" she looked at the elevator. "Who's on the elevator? I thought everyone was dead," She shrugged. "Oh, well. Bye, bye, Mr. Hatch!" she shot a super missile at the hatch and it exploded into an empty doorway. Screw attacking over the elevator shaft unnecessarily, she went through the doorway. "Blowing stuff up is fun!" she declared.

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Samus disembarked the elevator at the bottom.

"Why doesn't it just go ahead to the floor?" she grumbled. "Would it kill them to make this ship make sense somewhere?" She continued into the next room, which happened to be the Navigation Room.

"The Main Elevator leading to the access shaft is busted," Adam informed her, not really sounding like he cared. "You won't be able to use it for a while, until I somehow fix it without actually doing anything,"

"Okay?"

"Something really powerful is afoot here, it's probably not human," Adam continued. "After all, since when have any of your enemies been human?"

"Never," Samus replied, thinking back. "It's always stupid Metroids and Space Pirates and stuff…"

"Anyway, I'll look into it and maybe have some info later," Adam yawned. "Anyway, the atmospheric stabilizers have 'X' clogging them up and that's somehow changing the environment to suit their needs. Stop them from making more of themselves by blasting them the crap out of the stabilizers,"

"Roger that," she walked out and into a familiar terrain that she still hated.

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**Remember to make some constructive reviews. Samus will be getting some better power-ups soon and it's not my fault if bad things happen...(I'm kidding, of course). Just feedback on how much you like the story is fine, by the way.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Man, I actually had to go replay some of this to see how the ship was laid out. And then, it came to light that I had laid the sector out incorrectly. With no other choice, I decided to improvise the layout and just get to the humor. Still don't have the rights to Metroid, or Samus might have a personality beyond log entries.

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****Chapter 3: SR388...We Hates It!**

Not! It was just a normal room with a bunch of weird aquariums in the background for no evident reason. There were more gooey scientists in this room, but she easily blasted them out of the way and entered a room that looked more like her least favorite planet. Red lights were flashing and an annoying alarm was sounding through the smog that was in the room. Samus made her way over to some clogged up fan and noticed that it had a floating barrier of scrap metal around it.

"What…the…hell?" she wondered. "How does this stuff work?!" You'd think she'd used to odd stuff by now, but no. Anyway, she noticed a gap in the armor, a suspiciously convenient one, and shot three missiles inside. True to Adam's word, the 'X' forcefully exploded outward and left the fan clear. The alarm, light, and smog all receded and stopped. Samus blasted a few frogs for fun and moved on to the next room, which was just a normal room that consisted of a shaft with platforms in it.

Pondering how the scientists actually managed to navigate in these areas, she went through the level 0 hatch in front of her to another room with a clogged up fan. "I wonder how a friggin' fan can pass as an 'atmospheric stabilizer'?" she grunted as she dodged a rock that a toad spit at her and blew it and its buddies up with some missiles. Quickly making it to the fan, she blasted it full of missiles and left it clear. "Oh, yeah! Samus: 2, 'X': 0!" She blasted the remaining toads away and went back to the shaft room. As she started to descend the platforms, however, she started encountering space pirates that clung to the walls and somehow shot green energy jolts from their claws. "Time for some calamari!" She cried, blasting them to oblivion. At the bottom of the shaft, she entered yet another room.

"Ahh! Lava!" she jumped back at the edge of the large pool. "What's lava doing on a friggin' space station?!" she exclaimed. "Do they have heatproof metal?!" No answer seemed to be forthcoming, so she shrugged and jumped onto a series of rungs that were attached to the ceiling. "Is anyone questioning how I'm gripping this with my gun-arm?" she thought, making her way slowly across and going through a hatch on the other side of the lava pool. Once on the other side, she went through the hatch. "This is one of the many reasons I…HATE SR388!" she yelled as she came to another room with a clogged stabilizer. Deftly blasting frogs with missiles (and gagging with each 'X' absorbed) she made her way to the top of the room and blasted three missiles up into the breach in the 'stabilizer's' armor. The 'X' (which was a weird, green ball for some reason) exploded outward and a computer voice from somewhere informed her that there were two stabilizers left.

So she left this room, slaughtering more toads, and re-crossed the lava lake. Back in the shaft room, she climbed a little, making some more Space Pirate-X's dead, and went into yet another hatch that led to yet another stabilizer room. Once done there, she hopped across to a hatch opposite and entered, promptly falling quite a ways when the floor collapsed out from under her. "Ouch…damn it…why do they have to have so many collapsing floors in this friggin' station…" she grumbled, using the Morph Ball to get out of the tight spot she'd landed in. As she uncurled, she saw a ladder. "I hope this leads to the exit…" she muttered, jumping onto it and scaling it.

At the top, the ladder simply ended at the ceiling. Cursing, Samus looked over her shoulder and saw what looked like a horrible skin cancer on a hatch. "What the-?!" It opened its glowing eye and shot a wave of energy at her. "Holy friggin' crap!" she cried, overreacting and falling off the ladder. "Ow…" she slowly got back up on the floor, a few yards below. "What the hell was that?" she wondered aloud. Climbing slowly back up the ladder, she peeked cautiously over the edge of the platform that preceded the hatch. "Wait…I think I've seen this before…" The thing opened its eye and glared menacingly. Holding onto the ladder with one hand, Samus aimed her cannon at it. "Eat missile, pus-ball!" BOOM! The thing was totally warped out by this and was in bad need of an optometrist. "I've got the cure for cancer right here!" Samus shouted, blasting its eye twice more while it tried to writhe in pain, only to realize it couldn't move, being attached to a hatch. And so it was that the thing died an embarrassing death. "Samus: 5, 'X': 0!" she shouted triumphantly, jumping onto the platform, only to have a red 'X' fly from the dead thing and soak into her.

"UGH! Cherry jello!" she shouted, holding back her gag reflex. After a few minutes of deep breathing, she went into the next room. "Huh?" she looked around. "What is this, a Chozo Ruin rip-off?" she walked slowly forward. "It's eerily accurate, right down to the…" there was a Chozo statue in the room, holding an orb. "…statue," she boldly poked the orb. "Is this an ability? What is it, anyway? Roll-over-and-turn-blue?" The statue suddenly spazzed completely out and distorted into a Core 'X'. "GREAT Z, IT'S AN 'X'! she shouted in alarm, falling back. The thing opened a hole in its membrane (for simplicity's sake, let's call it a 'mouth') and fired a beam at her. "Ahh! It can shoot back!" she started running willy-nilly around the room, dodging the shots.

After about twenty minutes, she finally remembered that she could and should kill it, so she fired a missile at it. The missile pinged against the thorny membrane. Samus gaped in disbelief briefly, and then it was back to dodging and freaking out. A further ten minutes, in which most of her missiles were randomly fired in the boss's general direction, one missile finally caught it in the 'mouth' and the membrane was damaged. "Oh…I knew that," Samus said, as though she had purposely wasted half an hour just for the show of it. So she continued to dodge and shoot missiles into the 'maw' and the membrane exploded soon enough.

Like its predecessor, the 'X' seemed to get an insane idea that floating in the middle of the room, doing nothing, was a good plan after losing its protection. Samus quickly jumped up and absorbed it. "Oh, geez…" one puking session later, Samus was off to the hatch at the top of the room, which, somehow, happened to lead back to the aquarium room near the entrance. "Wait, a second…I still have a stabilizer to fix,"

"Charge Beam Recovered," her visor said, a little late to the punch.

"That was the charge beam?" Samus said, giving a new meaning to the term 'dumb blonde'. "Oh, well. Bye, bye, slimey!" she blasted a nearby scientist blob with her new beam and hopped back up to the hatch that would lead to the Navigation room. "Time to report to Malkovich…" she muttered unhappily.

"Atmospheric stabilizers online…turns out there were only 4..." Adam said with a yawn as she entered. Cue glare. "Too bad 'X' have already invaded other sectors…Sector 2, the tropical one, looks like its getting screwed over. That saboteur probably let them in, or they just walked through the hatch and took the elevator. I mean, it's not really that hard for most of these things to get around, just you," Samus's glare returned with a vengeance but was dodged. "Anyway, he or it may be in Sector 2 now, so get over there,"

"What if it's a she?" Samus asked.

"'She'?" Adam repeated. "Samus, we all know how incompetent women are,"

"I AM a woman!" she barked.

"Oh…I forgot. What with that muscular suit an all," Adam said nonchalantly.

"Why you-" she didn't finish but left and hopped on the elevator, stomping it to make it ascend. The slow ride prompted another diary entry.

_Dear Dairy,_

_Listening to that briefing made me think about the real Adam. He didn't get me at all…well, maybe a little. But he would always end orders by saying, "Any objections, Lady?" I always disagreed, because he usually followed up with a lewd comment and, occasionally, a slap on the butt (sure, I was usually wearing the suit, which makes mentioning this a moot point, but it's the principle of the thing, darn it!). I wonder if I can trust this computer and how far…? At least he doesn't have a mechanical arm or something, 'cause I wouldn't put it past him…_

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**So Samus defeated the mighty ball of death and now moves on to confront her destiny! (dramatic music) or maybe that's a bit much to say... (record scratch). Anyway, reviews are nice and help dorky blondes from getting killed by space parasites. By the way, I have nothing against blondes, as I technically am one.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry 'bout the wait. Been working on a lot of stories at the same time... Anyway, I think I may have gone slightly overboard on the walking around aspect of it, but I worked humor into it, so I hope that its tolerable. Still don't have the rights to Metroid, or Samus could actually explore worlds when she's not on a mission.

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**Chapter 4: In the Jungle**

So she made her way over to the Sector 2 elevator, which was located through the other hatch in the Main Elevator Room.

"Why couldn't they just put them next to each other?" she wondered. "I mean having, 1, 3, 5 and 2, 4, 6 is only sorted by evens and odds and…" she trailed off as she boarded the elevator to Sector 2 and stomped it.

_Dear Diary,_

_My latest foray into the planet-that-will-not-be-named-here-for-fear-of-a-jinx has resulted in a mouthful of 'X' and I think my ponytail is getting messed up a little…oh, look, here's my stop…and it's not on the ground either. How practical is this?_

She jumped off the elevator and proceeded to the Navigation Room after this relatively pointless diary entry.

"Oh, hey, Samus," Adam yawned. "I think I've found out who the saboteur is with a conveniently placed camera that I neglected to access until now…" A burst of dramatic music made Samus jump. "It's an 'X' mimicking you!"

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"Ow! DAMN IT!" the saboteur jumped up, turned, and glared at one of the many possessed monsters in the TRO sector. "All right, which one of you tripped me!? Which?!" she snapped, pointing her cannon from one to another arbitrarily. They all looked at her and then at each other and back, being incapable of speech. "Well, then, I guess it's time to CHILL OUT!" she froze them with several blasts of the Ice Beam and turned to leave, only to trip again. "What the-?!" she began, looking back. There was a stick on the ground…

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"Damn it, man! Don't do that!" Samus barked at Adam. "And what do you mean, 'an 'X' mimicking me? There's only room for one Samus in the universe!"

"Really?" Adam replied, bored. "Well, anyway, I have decided to name this other you the SA-X,"

"Quit making it sound like you're naming a puppy, this is serious!"

"I think it came from the suit parts that were hacked off of you…" Adam continued calmly, ignoring the glare being sent his way. "…and used a Power Bomb to blow the crap out of the Quarantine Bay and the capsules with the other stuff in it," he paused. "Actually, I cannot see as how the armor part of your suit could be used to regenerate your whole body,"

"See? This is why cutting parts off of my suit and making me into a blue and yellow dork is bad karma," Samus replied, crossing her arms. "Even I don't know how this stupid thing works, or I'd set up something to make it stop powering down for little things like being slammed into walls or hit in the head,"

"Uh-huh…" he sounded like he was examining his non-existent fingernails. "Anyway, she's got all your abilities and stuff at the moment, for some odd reason, so you won't be facing her until about the end of the mission, as is the case with most of your doppelgangers…"

"How do you know about my past?" Samus asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"I looked through your diary the other night," Adam said nonchalantly.

"YOU WHAT?!"

"By the way, SA-X has the Ice Beam and, being part Metroid and all, you'll be frozen by that, so you might want to hide from her and whatnot if she's around," A voice suddenly informed that someone had mail.

"Oh, look, Samus," he said with mock-enthusiasm, oblivious to the glower that was being thrown his way. "HQ just e-mailed me and said that they have Bomb data so you can blow stuff up as a ball," He marked something on the map. "Here's the data room, but you'll need to unlock the level 1 locks first, but I can't show you where it is, for some safety reason or another,"

"Probably could if you tried…" Samus thought unhappily.

"So, find the security room, open the locks, and go get the Bomb data, while avoiding monsters and probably getting trapped by the SA-X, which you should avoid,"

"Yeah, yeah, got it…" Samus muttered, leaving the room. "All in a day's work, as always…"

So it was that Samus entered yet another aquarium room. Almost immediately, she encountered a weird-looking, red thing that looked like an armored caterpillar with no head or tail. Scrunching up her face in disgust and WTH, she blasted it away with a couple of missiles. Continuing down, she encountered two more and obliterated them as well, gagging on the 'X' that escaped from them.

At the bottom of the shaft, as per logic and her map, she headed over to the other side of the room and began to ascend the platforms, blasting a couple more eerie creepy-crawlies, and blasted a blue hatch. It didn't open. "That must be a level 1 hatch," she concluded, jumping up to the 0 hatch above and entering. After passing through a semi-jungle room and blasting a couple more odd caterpillars, she came to a room that was more thoroughly 'jungled'.

More crawly thingies awaited here. "I hate bugs," she muttered, blasting the nearest one away. She ascended this shaft too, killing the other bugs, and went through the hatch up top. She came out in a tall room. Looking down, she saw a control panel. "Why aren't there any stairs or, at least, an elevator?" she wondered. "This station makes less friggin' sense by the minute!" Cautiously, she tried to climb over the edge to lessen her fall. Unfortunately, being the klutz she was, she fell, head over heels, and crashed painfully into a heap on the floor.

"Owie…" she groaned. It took ten minutes for her to get up, rubbing her neck, and finally approach the panel. There were no buttons, just a sensor thingy of some sort that stuck from it. "How am I supposed to operate this?" The sensor thingy suddenly grabbed her arm-cannon and closed around it. "What the hell?!" she strained against this unwarranted action. Weird waves traveled over her body and through the cannon, then the thing released her and she fell backwards. "Ugh! What's the big idea!?" she demanded of the panel, which now had vertical 1's going across the screen instead of horizontal ones.

"Security level 1 hatches activated," her visor informed her.

"Huh?" it took a moment for this to sink in. "Wait a minute, how does grabbing my cannon and sucking on it make something activate?" she paused. "Man, that sounded suggestive…" She put this on her mental long list of things that didn't make sense and headed back out to the shaft, via the nearby blue hatch. She quickly made it back to the main room, deciding to visit the blue hatch that she'd tried to open earlier. She blasted it and walked inside to find a pointless room with spiky things moving along the walls.

"Ahh! Haunted mushrooms!" Samus shouted, missile-blasting their butts. She spent a good while blasting random spots in the room and wasting missiles. Eventually, though, she was forced to conclude that the room was, indeed, empty and pointless, so she returned to the aquarium room. "Well, that visit was a waste of time…" she muttered, making her way to the hatch at the bottom-left hand corner of the room. Entering, she found another hallway that was semi-jungle.

She blasted her way through and then into a bigger room. As she began her ascent to the Data Room, she encountered a large bug. "AHH! Bug! You go squish now!" and then she unloaded several missiles in its general direction. The thing somehow managed to dodge them, though, and slammed into her for MASSIVE DAMAGE! "OW! Dammit…" she groaned, ducking another charge and finally nailing it in the back. Glad she had managed to win, she limped to the Data Room, getting a considerable headache from the alarm that was sounding in her helmet from her low energy. "I get it…shut up…" she muttered irritably at the alarm, to little effect.

One physics-evading download later, her visor informed.

"Bomb ability recovered," she had no _energy _tospare to comment on this and just started to leave the room. Suddenly, though, a rather bad explosion shook the area.

"What the hell was that?" she wondered, heading out and blasting the bug again, absorbing its 'X'. The alarm finally shut up. She cautiously made her way through the room, listening for any sign of that lame-o that was totally copying her. Upon closer inspection, though, the 0 hatch that she had used to enter was now a pile of impassable rubble. "Oh, shitake…" she cursed quietly, turning to vent her frustration on the nearby red caterpillar-like things. "I really hate Adam…and the letter X,"

* * *

SA-X was leisurely walking through the aquarium room of Sector 2 (TRO), blasting random possessed monsters for sport, ticking off her fellow 'X' rather badly, as they had to keep landing and reforming, only to be blasted again. This was getting kind of boring, though.

"Gettin' kinda bored…" she yawned, going through a 0 hatch and freezing a couple of her mates in the semi-jungle hallway. She suddenly came into contact with one of her old arch-enemies, however, and tripped, accidentally firing a Super Missile at the 0 hatch ahead. In a big explosion, it was reduced to impassable rubble. "OW! Damn you, stupid stick!" SA-X yelled, jumping up blasting it into frozen pieces.

* * *

Samus, re-energized slightly from the 'X' that had been the caterpillar thingies, went over to the dead-end side of the room.

"Hmm…what to do…" she tapped her foot. "Oh, yeah…the saying. 'When in doubt, bomb and blast everything in sight!'" So she did just that, happening to reveal a small hole in the floor after finally happening to bomb next to the dead-end wall. "Wahhhh!" she fell into it. Forgetting that she was still a ball, she braced herself for impact. There was little to none. Slightly embarrassed, she rolled down a short tunnel and found herself next to a level 0 hatch. The rest of the room, though had two flying bugs and a caterpillar. She decided the hatch might be the way to go. Luckily, it was an awkwardly-placed Recharge Room. Samus immediately utilized it and decided to excuse the fact that it was the first one she'd seen on the ship so far and that it also required the questionable action of plugging her cannon into a sensor thingy.

All healed and restocked, Samus came out to face the hostile jungle, wasting the nearby monsters and proceeding to another hatch on the other side of the room. It lead to another shaft, which required extensive use of the Morph ball and its bombs. As oddly laid-out as this was, she decided not to waste time thinking about it. The hatch at the bottom of the shaft led to another, shorter, shaft, which had no jungle theme at all, oddly. Samus had to wonder how the scientists managed to make the scenery change instantly between rooms. No answer was supplied, as usual, so she just continued through the hatch below.

Something really weird awaited her in the next room, though. It hopped towards her slowly while she gaped. "What…the…hell is that?!" she exclaimed. "It looks like a dragon, one that's in bad need of a chiropractor, with rocket-feet!" She blasted it with a missile, but a spike shot out of its horribly ill-positioned legs in retaliation. She dodged it. "Holy W, it can shoot back!" She blasted it a few more times, getting hurt in the process, and it finally died. Gagging on its 'X', she moved on to combat another caterpillar thing only to fall through the floor when she went to the platform below. Two more awaited her, along with a blue one. The red ones were easily disposed of, but the blue one…not so much.

"Why won't you die?!" she cried in frustration, ten minutes later. She was out of missiles and had been shooting her charge beam at it for a while now. Finally, the thing died, releasing a red 'X', which healed all the damage she'd taken while wasting her time with the thing and restored her missiles. "That wasn't a Core 'X'?"

* * *

SA-X suddenly stopped as she heard a loud scream of rage from somewhere in the station.

"Wonder what that was?" she wondered vaguely. No reply came, so she shrugged and went back to her random destruction of random stuff.

* * *

So, after a series of puzzles that weren't really too relevant to the rest of the story, and after a whole lot of griping about said puzzles, Samus finally made it to some area that looked like it was more aquatic than tropical.

"What's up with that?" she muttered, massacring the nearby monsters and finally arriving in a room that contained two caterpillars and an energy tank. She blasted the caterpillars, gagged on the 'X', and took the tank. "Let's see…last time I found a tank, there was a Core 'X' nearby…" So began the random blasting of the ceiling, walls, and floor. Eventually, a lucky blast burst a sizeable hole in the floor.

"Oh, yeah! Samus is a master spelunker!" She jumped through the hole and found another hatch with a serious, cycloptic, skin cancer attached. "Gross!" she shouted, pointing at it. The thing didn't appreciate her evaluation of its appearance and opened its eye. The eye was glowing this time, though. "Oh, crap!" A large blast of energy went flying at her. Somehow, she managed to jump over it in time and nailed the thing with three missiles to the eye, curing the 'cancer'. "Ugh…I hate jello…" she muttered as the red 'X' was processed and she proceeded into the next room.

* * *

**A reviewed fic is a happy one, as long as any critcism is constructive (not that any is demanded, of course). Again, nothing against blondes, I am one. And I hope the SA-X humor is being taken the right way (as in, its funny and not degrading to the character at all).**


End file.
